Crying in the Grocery Store

I cry in the grocery store a lot. People see me filling up a buggy to the bulging brim, and they stare at me and sometimes crack a joke. I smile sweetly and say I have a lot of children. They ask me how many. I say eight, and then my eyes begin to fill with tears.

I don’t know why the people think I am crying—if they happen to stand there long enough to see my mouth quivering and my eyes spilling over. Do they think I’m overwhelmed by the price of groceries? Do they think I’m sorry I made this choice? Do they think I’ve lost my mind? Do they walk away, feeling awkward and wondering what in the world is going through my head?

This isn’t the life I imagined for myself. I imagined doing big things like writing books, standing on stages, making bold statements with my life. And yet, when I say eight, I am moved to tears because I know that bringing these children into the world is the best thing I could have ever done, and I honestly can’t believe I did it. Of all the things I question in my life, I never ever ever wonder if I did the right thing—saying yes again, surrendering to the whole, long, arduous process of carrying a baby in the ocean of my womb and seeing him safely through to the shore of this world.

I may be overwhelmed in the moment. I can get bogged down with hows and whys, the needs, the questions, my own inexperience and bewilderment when it comes to the actual day-to-day mothering of all these little people, the price of groceries and the brokenness of this fallen world. I can start to drown in all the things that are heart-breaking and gut-wrenching that I wish my children would never have to know. But I never question that they should be here. That they are eternal souls, who will live in this life and forever in the life to come. There is a holy weight to their presence here, because they were made in the image of God, created for his glory and for his purposes. I know for certain that their lives are the most beautiful contribution I could have ever made to this world.

I didn’t want to do it so many times. I have never been more afraid of anything than birth. The life-and-deathness of it, the absolute separating of two souls from one body, the blood-and-water, the turning inside-out, the complete helplessness with which you must stand in utter dependence on God to deliver you. I didn’t want to go through with it. I didn’t know how I could ever do it again. Or again. Or again. Or again.

But through God’s grace, I did. And I know that having children is the best thing I have ever done. It is the most important work of my life. And I honestly can hardly believe the lovingkindness of God that has brought me to this glorious moment: walking through the grocery store, glowing, wiping tears of joy from my eyes, with a secret number nine rocking gently on the waves of an inner world. I am a humble vessel, the little ship that carries these precious souls. And it makes me cry.

Dear Friends,

Thanks so much for making space in your life for these weekly letters. It means so much to me that you are here. I have had a rough couple of weeks with morning sickness that lasts into the late afternoon, so I am getting lots of grace from my family and a lot of time to rest. Though my brain is moving like molasses right now (this always happens to me in the first weeks of pregnancy), I have had a lot of time to think about pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I really did cry in the grocery store yesterday. And these words flowed out of that experience.

Sincere thanks to those of you who have become paid subscribers and Patrons recently, and to those who have sent a gift via Venmo. You have no idea how far your support goes to bless and nourish this family. I cannot thank you enough. It is both humbling and incredibly encouraging to know that you find value in my work.

And for all of you who are here, reading these letters, thank you for allowing me a space in your precious life. It is such an honor. I pray that God will use me to speak words that will encourage and inspire you and bring you hope.

Sending love and soft summer rain,

Mackenzie

From the family archive:

A song I wrote when I was pregnant with Kells, our third child (eating cheerios in the background), performed here when I was about to deliver our fourth. (Subscribe to my youtube channel if you like these videos.) Listen to the studio version of this song here.

From the Podcast:

When I look back over what I dreamed my life would be 19 years into my marriage, I could not have imagined the impact motherhood would have on me. So many of the goals and aspirations of my life have shifted and refocused themselves into the everyday rhythms and rituals of raising a family and faithfully living out one day at a time. When we stood in my Daddy’s garden and said, “I do,” we had no idea what we were really doing. We could not begin to forsee the life we were building together. In this episode, I’m sharing thoughts seeking the kingdom, living a life of vision, and allowing God to lead step by step. And how for me, this journey has been so much about surrendering deeper and deeper to the call of motherhood.

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