Today is my ninth baby’s due date, which is not like a library due date resulting in fines or a math exam which, if late, lands you a zero. The day will likely pass as all my other due dates have passed. Out of memory, overshadowed by a day in the next week or two which will become my baby’s birthday. But I want to mark it still, and etch into the day some thoughts about birth that are rising up inside of me as I move as gracefully as I can through these last days of life as we know it, trying to stay prepared at every moment without losing the joy of being home and having normal days as a family. Telling my children goodnight each evening, knowing I may be gone when they wake, fighting for my life, desperately clinging to God and his promises until the work is done and I can make that call home, telling them we did it and their baby brother is here—there are so many things on my mind.
And so, here are the thoughts, mostly pulled from scattered journal entries from the last two weeks.
Sending so much love and the kind of hope that keeps burning brightly, even when you walk into the darkest places. God is with us. Take heart. Be of good courage. He will never leave us or forsake us.
God bless you all,
Mackenzie
Thoughts on Birth from the Due Date of my Ninth Baby:
Birth is coming to the end of yourself. Whatever illusion of control you believe you have over your life, your mind, and your body, birth will bring you right up to the mirror and shatter it. In the final moments, you realize that the mercy of God is all there is for you. And it is enough.
Birth is a kind of baptism—a death, burial, and resurrection. It can immerse you in the mercy and love of God if you will surrender to it. New life will radiate out from your mortal body like fire on water in a sunrising sky.
Birth is an undoing. From the inside out. An unraveling. A deconstruction of all your comforts. It is an acute suffering that has a finite end fast approaching, but it will take every ounce of faith you can muster to keep your mind stayed on the coming joy.
Birth is not a test to pass. It is not a marathon to run. It is not something that measures your own greatness or strength or willpower or sanity. In the end, all that is required of you is to breathe. That is your responsibility and your greatest contribution to the process. The rest is God’s work of deliverance.
Don’t tell me I’m good at this. Don’t tell me I’m an expert by now. Don’t tell me I’ve done this so many times, this birth will be a piece of cake. Tell me God is merciful, tell me things can be better than I can even hope, tell me that God will deliver this baby and all I have to do is live and breathe and have my being in Him. Tell me God is with me. Tell me it won’t last long. Tell me that the joy will be exquisite. Tell me that I am almost done with the hardest work of my life to date. Describe the face of my two-year-old when he finally meets his baby brother and understands the stories we’ve been telling him about the baby in my belly. Tell me about his smile and his fingers reaching out. Tell me about life touching life and love breaking open and spilling out over this family like a sweet perfume. Tell me about the fragrance of heaven, the pleasure of God, the moment where we see a glimpse into eternity. A baby, straight from the secret place, still whispering of God’s love and faithfulness, of the ending of all suffering and the joy and peace and new life that is to come.
Birth is about the voice of God. He is the only one who can speak the language this baby will understand to become a key that will unlock my body and make a way for his open passage into this world. The voice of God will be my lifeline—his word my strongest hope.
The voice of the Lord makes the deer give birth… —Psalm 29:9a
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. — Joshua 1:9
Birth is hard. But the moment it is all over is pure, exquisite, complete joy. Welling up, overflowing. This labor is about to start, but it is also almost done. All that is required of me is to breathe.
From the Podcast:
Becoming Brave: Thoughts About Birth at 4 a.m.
Just a few weeks away from my baby’s delivery, I am thinking of the profound influence that birth has had on my life. How it has caused me to lean on the perfect strength of God over and over again and made me so much braver than I ever meant to be. Here I share the story of my struggle and surrender to the process of birth and how God has used it like nothing else in my life to make me brave. (This podcast was published before my last baby was born, March 2021)
From the Family Archive:
Can’t wait to sing this over that new baby.
More from My Substack on Birth: